I need the masculine to support me and it's absolutely terrifying.
I was raised to never depend on a man.
From that place, I built million dollar businesses, and created a reality of not needing anything.
But, I kept getting stuck in the same place again and again – earning a lot of money, taking care of a lot of people with that money, and working a LOT.
Honestly, too much for me to be able to feel my feminine heart, most of the time.
I first confronted this reality by letting go of everything and moving to a farm for a year back in 2011.
One of the things I was shocked to discover when I did was that my ex-husband (my kids' dad) showed up for me in ways I had no idea he could or would.
He showed up and supported me big time.
I see now that he never could show up for me before that because I had never made space for him to do so.
I always had it handled. I didn't need anything. I had it. So, he became the needy one. And I was always in the role of giving.
It wasn't until I dropped everything I had created and allowed myself to become vulnerable that he was able to step in and show up for me in a new way.
This morning, as I spoke to Dane Maxwell about the work he will be doing with women around connecting to their money and my work on this same topic, we got to the part of my process that is integral to bringing in what you need — being able to ask for it.
And he asked me to ask him for what I need.
At first I stumbled, I hemmed and I hawed, then I said a bunch of things that were a mask for the real thing.
He told me he felt disconnected, couldn't really feel me and asked me to try again.
I became aware of the thing I hadn't been saying. It was stuck in my throat. I couldn't say it. It was way too vulnerable.
But then, I did. And as I croaked out what I needed, of course the phone disconnected right at that moment. Oh Universe, you are so funny.
When I called Dane back, I told him what felt nearly impossible to say.
“I need the masculine to support me.”
Oh Goddess, that's terrifying. My mom told me never to depend on a man. She didn't just tell me, she showed me what a bad idea that would be.
I've seen it again oh so recently as a man close to me has used power and money to his advantage and to the detriment of those who have surrendered to his care. Ouch, ouch, ouch.
In the face of that reality, how can I need the masculine to support me?
How can I ask for that vulnerably?
How can I remain in my power while I receive that support and not crumble under the generations of oppression and control that have made it not safe for me to need anything from the masculine?
I don't have the answers quite yet, but I promise to share them with you as they come and as I open up to a new relationship with receiving support from the powerful men in my life.
Dane thank you for hearing my request and receiving it with such love and care. I'll let you share your experience of what arose when you heard what I needed.
My question for you is how the feminine heart can ask for what she needs safely and know she is being vulnerable with a man of integrity who will not use that vulnerability to his own benefit and take from her in a way that leaves her worse off.
THANK YOU for being in this exploration with me. I see where it impacts every area of my life and is the next stage of my personal learning, evolution and growth.
Love beyond the beyond,